


Finding his way home

by Motodachi



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic, Star Wars The Old Republic (game)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 06:20:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12053118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Motodachi/pseuds/Motodachi
Summary: Unrequited love meets an abrupt end. Jol Wryn reunites with Zenith on Balmorra 2 years later. She is less distant and wants to recruit him again. Zenith has doubts and wants to know if she is there for the right reasons.





	1. Innocent conversations

**Author's Note:**

> Warning! Contains major spoilers for the Jedi consular story line.
> 
> [2017-09-12 Some cleanup and corrected typos]
> 
> [The time line and order of the story might not really follow the one in SWTOR as I don't exactly remember the order of events. These short 'scenes' were written at random. I've tried to put it in some logical order to make it more of a story.
> 
> I'm using the #5 customization for Zenith where he has green skin, red eyes and Sith-like tattoos on his face and lekku which made me think of this back story for him.
> 
> Jol, pronounced Like 'bowl' but with a J. 'The Defender' is short for the ship type 'Corellian Defender-class Light Corvette' which is the Jedi Consular ship.]

[The Defender, Hoth]  
Annoyed that she had gone ahead with the Lieutenant to do recon he threw his gloves into the bunk. She most likely thought she was doing him a favor as the cold on Hoth did not agree with him. But what if something happened? He needed to _be_ there. Not that she couldn't take care of herself but.. because. Because! He sighed. He had become more attached to her as they spent every day together. Maybe didn't feel the same way, or she was and weren't allowed to. He didn't know exactly what the Jedi oath demanded of her. They had never discussed that for obvious reasons. All he knew was that he was jealous. Not mad at her per se, just felt forgotten and diminished. And he didn't like the idea of this Lieutenant Sleazy staring at her whenever he thought no one was looking.

Zenith jammed his fist into the storage locker. Obviously that didn't help and only gave him physical pain on top of everything else. He sighed and rubbed his face. Maybe it was time he stopped fooling himself. He often thought of him 'feeling strongly' about her or 'protective' but who was he kidding really? He loved that stubborn Jedi and he couldn't help it. Was he in love with her? He wasn't sure. He didn't know where the line went as he had never had any family or close friends, never even considered falling in love. All he had was a slave's upbringing and a violent past. People around him died all the time and he had grown accustomed to not get too attached. Then she had barged into his life in a middle of a mission. They had not gotten along at all at first. Both stubborn as hell, used to working alone and calling the shots. But her skill in battle was impressive and her no-nonsense manner of speaking to people no matter their rank and getting things done was very appealing. He had never met a Jedi before but he imagined that she was not very Jedi-like. In other ways she was the very essence of what he heard about the Jedi. An emotionally distant aura made her hard to read and hard to get to know.

She never asked about his past, but anyone with a bit of Sith knowledge could probably tell from his distorted twi'lek features what he had been through, so she didn't have to. Looking the way he did he was never really considered twi'lek among his own. He fought for the Republic and that was good enough for most people but he remained a loner. He didn't belong anywhere or with anyone. He got used to be an outcast. A tattooed red eyed freak who's appearance was meant to scare others. If it bothered her she never let it on. Most people did not even care to meet his eyes but she did, every time. That alone was enough for him to seek her company. She seemed to prefer his as well and in less than two weeks he was following her anywhere on her request. More than once she had expressly emphasized how she appreciated having him around, in her own sort of robotic way. Often they did not communicate so much with words rather she would touch his arm or shoulder to bring his attention to something. Whenever they were alone in the field she still kept her distant Jedi facade but always seemed to want to be very close. It was endearing, confusing and almost drove him into a comical panic first time she had leaned her head on his shoulder. His first thought had been that she must be ill or had feinted from some injury they had not noticed as he couldn't imagine it was deliberate. He was not used to physical contact at all and much less from a woman he admired. She had just sat there for a minute or two while they were waiting for transport. She carried on as usual. He had almost forgotten how to breathe. They never talked about it. It was just something she did and he loved it more than he liked to admit.

In a very short time she became the most important person to him and with that the fear of losing her or something happening grew stronger. When she was away from him the fear was almost crippling. Not knowing what to do with himself and his worry he started to rearrange the weapon cabinets and military supplies. Mostly to keep himself busy but he also would feel more at ease knowing where everything was in case of an emergency. Maybe it would also make the time pass a bit quicker.

 

[Belsavis]  
"What I'm saying is; the walls on your ship are thin. Was hard not to overhear you two." He commented with a bit more bitterness than intended.

"Then you should know I handled it."

"Well, from what I heard he could be an Imperial sleeper agent an-"

"I _handled_ it." She unceremoniously cut him off.

"Really? Because he's still coming on to you like a charging bantha." She turned around and let him catch up.

"Is that what this is about?" She raised an eyebrow.

"What, no!" _Yes._ "I mean he can't be trusted." He quickly realized this was not a conversation he wanted to have.

"I thought you military types would get along." There was no hint of mockery, she genuinely thought him and the Lieutenant had something in common, but he was already losing his temper and let the comment fuel his anger.

"We are nothing alike! He's a danger to you and this operation!"

"I agree." She never once raised her voice or got frustrated with his temper.

"You're not list- what?"

"I agree."

"I heard you."

"Then what is the problem?" Genuine confusion seeping through her otherwise so inscrutable Jedi facade. He felt a sudden urge to wrap his arms around her in that moment but quickly composed his himself from fear she could somehow sense his thoughts.

"Look, I don't question your judgment but do you know for sure he is who he says he is?"

"I don't. If he serves the enemy what better place to keep him than under our watch?" She stopped. "Do not mistake me for being gullible, Zenith. I intend to find out what the Sith planted in his head if I so have to rip it off. For now I let him think he impresses me with his talk and I Force-prod his mind for triggers and hidden conditioning while his guard is down." Her brow formed a small frown. "But if you don't approve of my methods.." Did she actually care if he approved? He threw up his hands in defeat.

"I'm.. sorry." he sighed. "Not my place to question you. Just.. be careful." He rather not meet her eyes right now. He had probably revealed too much already to a keen mind such as hers. He hastened his steps to get ahead of her and scout.

 

[The Defender, Voss]  
"You wanted a word, Zenith?" Her yellow eyes fixated him. Her demanding way of looking at him always made him avoid any longer conversations with her.They kept it short, practical and to the point. Sometimes he sought her advice. She listened and then gave him her thoughts. It was easy that way. But any other conversation with her was really difficult to have. It was either exchange of relevant information or him reporting to her. At first he had been thankful for that. She gave him space and only bothered him when necessary. Over time as they were almost inseparable in the field he struggled to get to know her. She was always very distant and very intense at the same time. It made him nervous and feel things he didn't know how to deal with. Even if their time together often passed in silence there was no one he would rather be in company with.

"I wanted to let you know I enjoy working with you. Not often my comrades live this long." He was not very good at this.

"I'm glad to be an exception to that particular rule."

"Yeah, me too.." he was not prepared for her to humor him. "Anyway I just wanted to say.." _I love you._ "I trust you." He reached out his hand towards her and she took it. Her hand was cool and soft and held his firmly as to say 'I know'. She never looked away and he started to feel lost, grasping for something to say. "Anyway I better stick around.. Keep you alive." A hint of a smile played over her face.

"It means a lot coming from you. I know you don't take trust lightly. I think we are alike in that way." She looked down at their grip and placed her other hand on top of his. "It may not seem like it but I hold your company in the highest regard." She looked up again. What was she trying to say? He almost lost himself in her eyes and had no idea how much time had passed when she finally spoke again. "I trust you." It seemed like she had a lot more to say but all she could manage was sharp exhale. With a last squeeze of his hand she let go. Like they had sealed a pact she turned and hastily left the room.


	2. The Javelin

[Imperial Dreadnought The Javelin]  
A series of explosions went of and the whole ship lurched. The force of the dreadnoughts violent nose dive tossed them like rags into the holo console and then out in the passageway. For a moment they were in a weightless state as the ship plummeted. Below them the corridor formed an endless pit. Debris floated around them. Jol seemed to have had the wind knocked out of her as she had crashed into the holo panel with Zeniths whole weight behind her. Gasping for air and trying to get her bearings. Without a hesitation he flung his arms around her, shielding her body as best he could with his as gravity set in. They fell. His right shoulder took most of the initial impact. They tumbled across the tilting floor until finally crashing into a wall.

He must have blacked out. He saw a blurry figure stand up next to him and then disappear from view. The pain was sickening. It felt like his whole body been crushed. If she had made it was worth it. Practical as she was she would not hesitate to leave him behind if staying would get them both killed. He took comfort in that as he closed his eyes.

A sharp pain in his left leg chocked him awake. With a muffled growl he stared wildly around himself to see what had caused this. Cool, soft hands grabbed his face. Yellow calm eyes searched for his.

"I'm sorry but this is going to hurt."

"W-what are you doing." He mumbled "You need to get of the ship! Leave me!"

She ignored his protest. Placed her hands on his left thigh. He didn't realize the excruciating pain until he noticed a large metal piece sticking right through it. Cold sweat and nausea bubbled up.

"Don't.. I'm not going anywhere, Jol, please.." Another explosion shook the floor and she threw up her arm above them brandishing an invisible shield. A pale yellow bubble capsuled them in a protective field. He felt his consciousness drifting again.

Another sharp pain made him come to. He was groggy covered in cold sweat. Glancing down he saw the large piece of metal was gone. Jol held her hands on his leg and a pale glow spread from her palms. The pain escalated and he slammed his head back into the floor panting furiously. His body involuntary convulsing trying to get away from itself. She calmly held him down with unnatural strength. Suddenly the pain stopped. His leg felt numb almost like it wasn't there. Shaking he dragged himself up in a half sitting position, his leg was still there. Jol looked drained and ragged and brutally grabbed his arm and pulled him up on his feet.

"You can run for now. Lets make the most of it!" He wanted to yell at her but it had to wait. If anything he would not make this be all in vain. All his focus went into not leaning to heavy on Jol and steering his wobbly leg and aching body towards the hangar. She still held up the shield around them but it was fading.

The hangar was not as far away as he thought. They must have fallen a good part of the way. His leg started to prickled as they stumbled through the airlock. The last thing he heard was the docking clamps unhooking their vessel from the dying dreadnought before falling into complete darkness.

[The Defender]  
He woke up blinking in the bright light. Too bright. He closed his eyes again. The pain was there but bearable. His body felt numb and tingly at the same time. He knew this feeling. Once before he had to spend some time in a kolto tank. They must have recently taken him out. He carefully tried his muscles in every limb to make sure it was all there. His hand happened on something soft. He slowly craned his head and couldn't help smiling. At his bedside was the Jedi, asleep. Resting her head on her arm and her other hand on his. He sank back on his pillow careful not to wake her. He wanted it to stay like this for as long as possible.

His stirring had already woken her up. Jol blinked a few times as if she could not recall where she was but quickly found herself. She got on her feet and leaned over him meeting his eyes.

"Hey." He croaked. She didn't answer. A shade of worry hung over her as she searched his eyes before she went back to her usual mysterious Jedi expression. Her hand traced the tattoos on his forehead. She seemed to be lost in thought or searching for words. Maybe he had not managed to say anything? Maybe he was not really awake? With her so close he stifled an impulse to kiss her. The urge surprised him. He knew he felt very strongly about her but never thought of it that way.

She never actually said anything. Gently stroked his forehead, looking into his eyes until he drifted off to sleep again.


	3. Betrayal

[Corellia]  
Jol turned her back on the holo call before the playback had finished.

"I will kill him." 

As usual Zenith could not really tell if she was upset, hurt or furious. He knew enough about her to guess she was all of the above. That is if she would allow herself emotions. He almost wished she would indulge herself this one time. This was a treachery beyond measure. He caught up with her as she marched out the building without a word. He was just in time to see her step into the firing range of an imperial droid. He instantly raised his rifle but the droid imploded with a loud bang. She didn't even slow down.

[Corellia, after confronting the First Son]  
She slapped the hovering holo receiver out of the air.

"He was behind it all and they still call him 'master'." He tone was low and dripping with disgust. "I should just collapse the cave." Zenith felt it was unnecessary to ask if she was alright. Of course she wasn't. It was unsettling to see her so out of balance. She had held it together for this long only to lose it in the end? He felt powerless and didn't know what to say or do to make her snap out of it. As much as she praised his company he felt he was pretty much insignificant to her right now.

She was slowly pacing up and down glaring at the pile of rocks which had buried the traitor. He knew little about the force but enough to realize that whatever was going on needed to stop. He had never felt so helpless in his life. They were alone here. Nothing he would say would break her trance but he had to try.

"Jol?" No answer. Still pacing more frantic with her back turned to him. "Jol!" Still no reaction. He closed the gap between them, turned her around and grabbed her arms. "Look at me!" The glare he got was terrifying and heartbreaking. Seething hatred and bloodshot eyes. She didn't recognize him. "Look at me, Jol. You have to stop!" She stared right through him. He felt cold spreading through his hands and and something made it very hard to breathe. "Don't.. do this." He refused to let go even as the invisible grip around his throat tightened. "You're letting them win!" She didn't hear him. White dots danced in front of his eyes and his head felt like it was about to explode.

Before he knew what he was doing he bent down and kissed her. Her lips were soft she let out a small gasp. The invisible choke hold instantly ceased. He gasped for air. He moved his hands up to her cheeks and rested his forehead against hers while catching his breath. "This isn't you." Her murmured. "Come back to me." Her breaths was small and sharp like she was in pain or sobbing. He kept mumbling reassuringly to her. He had no idea how long they stood but after a while she pulled away from him holding his hands. Her usual composed face was pale, her eyes misty and she looked mortified.

"I-I hurt you." She whispered. He shook his head as to wave it away. She sounded like she couldn't believe herself. Not really caring what she would think of it he wrapped his arms around her buried his face in her hair.

"You're back, that's all that matters." He felt so incredibly relived. She didn't protest. Slowly relaxing in his embrace burying her face in his chest.

They didn't separate until they heard commotion of republic forces descending the ladder. She was quiet and avoided looking at him the whole way back to the ship. She clearly wanted to be left alone. Zenith on the other hand could not stop thinking of holding her again. He also worried over a potential relapse he was reluctant to let her out of his sight.

[The Defender, Coruscant]  
Five days she stayed locked up in her room. She only made a short appearance at master Satiel's request to be present at the victory ceremony. Zenith and Nadia took turns in leaving food outside her door. Zenith debated with himself whether to tell Nadia anything about the incident other than what she could figure out herself. The betrayal had caused great distress and she needed to meditate to recuperate from the long mission was enough he decided. Anyone could put that together. The worry and the sudden downtime made him restless. He wanted to do something but he didn't want to leave the ship without seeing for himself that she was actually alright. Had he hurt her trust by invading her personal space? Did she think he hated her now or was she embarrassed to face him? Would she rather he left and went home to Balmorra? They had been inseparable for so long it felt strange that she kept away from him. He paced around the ship trying to find things to do. Cursing at himself for going too far.

On the fifth day, in the evening, he worked up the courage to knock on her door. The ship was empty as the others had taken up the offer of accommodation on the surface. The door opened before his hand even touched the the surface. There she was, calm and collected as ever. The whole thing caught him off guard. He was sure she would ignore the knock and he had no idea what to say now when she stood before him.

"Where are the others?" She demanded.

"Not here."

"We're alone then." She had her eyes fixed somewhere behind him.

"Would seem so."

"Then I shall make this brief." He suddenly felt cold inside. _Please don't._ He knew this was coming. "On behalf of the Republic and the Jedi Council we thank you for your service." Her voice was empty and monotone. "Compensation for your time will be sent to your credit account.."

He just stared at her then down into the floor to hide how devastated he was, turned around and left to pack up his things. He wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. He was dying inside. Couldn't breathe. The cold lump in his stomach grew and pushed its way up his throat. _No._ As soon as the door closed behind him in his room he slammed his fist into the wall. How could he have been so stupid. Weak. Pathetic. Why had he dared to think this would go any other way? He rubbed his face and paced back and forth in the cramped room. He wanted to go back and tell her she could not do this. _No use._ He took a shivering breath, swallowed the lump in his throat and started packing. The sooner he was gone and as far away from here the better. He didn't belong here. She had made him think he did but it was time to stop dreaming.


	4. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [music while writing: Two steps from hell - his brightest star was you]

[Balmorra, 2 years later]  
"Excuse me, sir" Zenith rolled his eyes. What was with the military and titles? By now he had stopped trying to correct the young Sargent. He grimaced but turned his attention away from the data pad he had been skimming over.

"Yes?"

"There's.. uh." Zenith fixed his red eyes on the Sargent to make him get on with it. "There's a Jedi master here to see you.. sir. Says you know each other."

He could count the number of Jedi masters he knew on the fingers of one hand. It was unexpected but there was only one person it could be. They had gone their separate ways more than two years ago. She had evicted him out of her life. Ever since he had buried himself in work to try to rebuild Balmorra. It had kept him busy and the pain had faded but it was always with him, a dull throbbing reminder of not getting too attached. Why would she want to see him now?

"Sir..?" He had been lost in thought while the Sargent was still waiting.

"Right. Where?"

"She's waiting in hangar A-A7, sir."

"I'll meet her there." He walked past the young man leaving him behind.

"Am I dismissed? _Sir?_ "

* * *

 

The closer to the hangars he got the more uneasy he got. Did he even want to see her? He could send someone else to take her message to spare himself having to be face to face with her again. He had worked hard to move on. Whatever she was here for he didn't need to hear it in person.

Zenith took to the right instead of heading down to hangar A, and ended up in an abandoned storage room. He took a deep breath and leaned against the cold metal wall. He knew the minute he would see her again he would lose. Was he prepared for that? Tear up everything again for a woman who most likely could not return his feelings.

Times had been rough on Balmorra the last year. The community had started to settle in and there was little to no space for an ex freedom fighter. He was no politician. He had handed over most of his charges to other people, made sure the power was in good hands. The planet was doing great, he was not. He preferred a more hands on approach to problems than debating. He snorted. Glorified pest control keeping colicoids at bay was not really his idea of a future. It wasn't what he had fought for. Curiosity and the longing for something familiar got the better of him. He knew he was an idiot but he missed her.

He sighed and covered his face in his hand. He could do this.

* * *

 

Next to a very familiar looking ship stood a female figure in trooper standard issue white chest and boots, black pants and a short sleeveless brown robe held together by a simple belt. At her hip hanged a well used light saber. Simple, practical and deadly. Maybe her hair was a bit longer now but he would have recognized her anywhere. As he entered the hangar she turned around as she could probably sense him.

For a few moments they just stood there looking at each other in each end of the big empty hangar. She gave him a short formal bow and motioned for him to follow her onto her ship. He welcomed the privacy as a Jedi master had drawn quite the attention from hangar workers and military that apparently didn't have anything better to do. He was also terrified of going any closer.

She waited in the common area of the ship by the holo table. Zenith noticed a difference right away. She seemed less distant than he remembered her. She inhaled sharply as to steel herself and met his eyes.

"I'm sorry to come to you unannounced. I didn't think you would agree to meet me otherwise." Her voice was not as confident as it had once been. She almost seemed nervous.

"Correct." He still was not sure if this was the right thing to do and lingered in the doorway at a safe distance. Maybe he should have stayed back and sent the Sargent instead. Too late now. "What happened to the rest of your crew?" He actually didn't care but hoped to hear that the Lieutenant was out of the picture.

"After Corellia no one really felt like staying. I think I scared most of them away. Had a huge argument with the Lt Iresso." She paused. "It was about you. He noticed you were no longer at the ship the morning after and.. I was in no mood for his comments." She looked away. "Someone must have tipped off SIS because they came and picked him up same day." It was oddly satisfying knowing she harbored no warm feelings towards the Lieutenant. He also realized he always assumed she had taken their separation better than he did. The way she was telling the story made it sound like it was not just his world that had collapsed that day. "I'll get right to it. The Republic is mobilizing and I'm to investigate in the outer rim for Imperial activity. I need.. someone I can trust." She looked away for a second. "Been working alone and I'm somewhat a free agent since.." Her face tensed slightly. She was struggling with what to say and it sounded like a well rehearsed speech where she had forgotten half the words. "There is no one more suited for this than you but if you are not interested I understand."

"Is that why you are here then? To recruit me?" He shook his head slowly.

"I understand." She must have interpreted it as he was declining the offer and started moving towards the door to show him out.

"Wait!" She stopped halfway out the door. "I need to know.." he steadied his voice. "I need to know you are here for the right reasons and not to ease old guilt."

"I would be lying if I said I wasn't carrying it with me. But it serves me as a reminder I can't do everything alone." She took a few steps back into the room. "You don't have to decide now. Maybe take some time to think about it.."

"I think it's too late for that."

"Oh, I-. This was unfair of me. I should have sent a message first."

"What would you have said?"

"That I was wrong to end it like that." She did a long pause. "Unfair."

"Yeah.." He mumbled to himself more than to her.

"You didn't know but I was under several layers of mental protection against the children so they would not be able to control me. It was hard for me to.. reach out. I wanted to tell you things." She swallowed hard. "And then I was so ashamed of what-. I should have let you in.. I was convinced I would be a lesser Jedi if I gave in to what I felt. I thought I was weak."

"You were never weak." While she was stumbling over her own words he had closed the gap between them. She looked so precious in a way he had never seen her before. She was vulnerable but she didn't hide it. Her eyes never left his. He took off his right glove, hesitated briefly as he reached out. Her cheek was warm and still she shivered. "Before we have an accident," he reluctantly backed away a bit "I should just.." He checked the safety and leaned his rifle against the wall. Next he undid his heavy chest plate and put it in the floor next to his gun and tossed his gloves on top. Turning back to her he noticed a neat little pile with a light saber on top on the holo table. He had never seen her out of her armor. "Didn't mean you had to-." But before he even got to contemplate over that the words came pouring out of her.

"I'm sorry, Zenith. So sorry, for everything! I should have told you how I felt from the start. I should never have sent you away!" He cupped her face in his hands and leaned his forehead against hers. "That day was the worst and the best in my life! You kissed me and.. I could have.. would have killed you." She was shaking.

"Jol.." He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. It was as if a two year long head ache suddenly vanished. Stroking her hair slowly, pressing his cheek against hers. Never wanting to let go.

"I love you." She had buried her face in his neck and her voice was muffled. "And I never stopped."

He didn't know what to do or what to say. She loved him. It was not what he had expected to hear. At best he thought it would be some sort of fragile friendly reunion. Not this. He should probably say something but he was still in a bit of a chock. The warmth from her body through the light armor padding, her hands around his waist, his heartbeats mingling with hers, it was what he always wanted.

"I love you, always have." He mumbled. "Don't think that was a secret to anyone." She looked up and smiled as a reply. "I don't know why you went through such formalities. You know I'd follow you anywhere. Don't dwell on the past. Yes, I was hurt that you sent me away but I'm not angry about it. It was.. a strange time for both of us." He was leaning his forehead against hers again stroking her cheek aimlessly as he spoke. "You had the weight of the world on your shoulders. You ended a threat that could have destroyed us all." He looked her straight in the eyes "Don't you dare apologizing, Jol."

She looked up at him and pressed her lips against his. He couldn't help but respond with passion forgetting everything around them. He was home.


End file.
